my fathers daughter, that i certainly am

such news, and what perfect timing

shared but still burdened

must keep the faith, for it shall see you through

look to God and never loose faith

that i do,  but shadow sits still atop of me

shall i not grieve, for them, for me

afraid to get close, or closer

no stay away, for any closer

makes the heartbreak more unbearable

for when its time, to say goodbye

less connections ensures a cleaner break

for those connections are already broken

and the goodbyes is the epitome of the carefully

crafted loneliness.

everyone by your doing or theirs

at arms length they stay

for fear of fragility

or fear of hopelessness

oh fear, wilt thou not let me be

for a day or two, will thy shadow not free me

my fathers daughter, that i certainly am

brave but lost in loneliness and fear

loved but surrounded in uncertainty

fragility of life is but a thin line

life and death

fear and courage

loved and lost

my fathers daughter, that i certainly am

 

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Unworthy

Every time, Every one

Is it just I

Or is it me,

Us..

Who then, Deems us worthy of Love

or Friendship

Maybe, this is just who you’re

Meant to be

They say some are to be

Forever alone.

Am I

Part of that some

Hard to find the Faith

Or keep hoping

When every instance

Is an AS, or belongs to someone else

Will there ever be a

Personal Person

At this point, all seems

Very Very Unlikely

Maybe those pieces,

My pieces

Too broken to be together

Forever alone to wander

The World

One Soul,

On it’s own

Forever

Worthy

Unworthy

The Let Down

Like a slow slap

an arrow

pulled so tightly back

its direction

destination

charted so clearly

the news unfolds

it was expected

but not this soon

no not right now

it can’t be

how i want to drown,

no sink

be devoured

by the earth

with its prickling

heat and claws

the let down

it was due

but not so soon

the sting

the pain

the tears

that must not be shed

the pain

that must not be felt

the thoughts and words

that can now never be let out

must be buried

in the dreams and plans that will never be

what pains more

the news

or the bearer of the news

so smug

so gleeful

to be so happy

at anothers unhappiness

to know the news from you

whom i once trusted to help

seal this love

guide me through the paths

paths that could have been

happiness

painful happiness

but happiness nonetheless

You  who helped

held the knife

mapped it’s entrance

straight through to the heart

watched it bleed from afar

then delivered the news

with such happiness

such smugness

the let down

heart already broken

healing process

almost started

now to pick up

the new shards

that will

no longer bond

the pieces

piercing and slicing

my healing fingers

but how much

can one heal

when I can no

longer pick up

the pieces

the let down

memories…

oh how time flies

the memories we make

walking down memory lane, the fantasies

built and shared over many conversations.

secret messages and shared understanding

oh how time flies…

enemies become friends

lovers become enemies

bonds, once thought unbreakable

lay in sharp pieces all around

still picking these pieces off my back

how did the love turn to anguish and pain

oh how time flies

how naive we were

to think that we could be better

yet judging each other

with names from past places

tarnishing the sweet snow with hurt

from former lives & loves

oh how time flies

the memories we make

the name calling

emotional blackmail

hugs with such trauma

but i stayed

fought

harder than ever

longer i stood fighting

waiting for the storm to pass

deeper the knife was plunged

oh the memories we make

blindsided, bittersweet

happy memories

mixed with pain

soft as cotton

shattered like glass

oh the memories we walk away from

with blistered feet

a bleeding heart

oh the memories

 

Stuck

In between the hurt and peace

The longing for past dreams and future promises

That sweet unfulfilled, stale promising limbo

Like quick sand, must keep moving

Not keep still, unsure of which way to turn

Back to familiarity, more hurt, maybe

But uncompromised uncertainty, compromised happy, unhappiness

Forward to sunny cold loneliness

Self-satisfied, development of one’s self

 

The biting directions, the need to make a choice

Take a step or stay and drown

What a comforting thought

To drown in one’s self,

A shadow of thy former self

 

A choice-decision must me made

But for now the comforting cashmere of one’s self

Wrapped comfortably in the self’s onesie

Better to drown for now

And heal.

Dad

How I wish to be able to walk with you

Talk with you

Debate the issues and mountains of life

Today would have a been a bash

No expense spared, the freshest palm wine

To celebrate your day.

How 10 years have flown by

The pain as fresh as if it was now

Laying here wondering where your guiding hands would have led

Who knew all those years back,

Those rebukes would be the bitter sweet memories of today

Those words that you’re known for

Would elicit sweet smiles of remembrance today

On this day, every year

We fondly remember and celebrate the

Only way we know how

Food, Laughter, Wine, Love

Knowing that you’re near

Feeling you near and present

Could almost hear the growls of your laughs

May ours ring as loud as yours

Even as coated with the pain of losing you

We’ll always raise a glass – red of course

And toast to the only father I ever known and loved

To the only person who truly understood me

For we know we are most alike

They say time heals

But we never forget

On this day – 23rd

To wish you the best of birthdays

I know you’re up there

Feasting on the best and

Having a blast

One day, I’ll be able to hold you

And say once again in person

Happy Birthday Daddy